Early Miscarriage

Early Miscarriage is a very painful experience, and if you have never suffered it, I am happy for you. I only ask that you be kind to those you know who have, and lend a hearing ear, and maybe even a shoulder to cry on.

Unfortunately I have suffered this horrific experience twice, infact this last time was this past week
:(.  There is still a lot of grieving for me to do. Some may think that miscarriage is a private thing, and if the parent wants it to remain so, that is totally up to them. I feel though, that this topic should not be taboo, and yet it is...even know in 2018. How many people do you know talk about miscarriage? I bet not many! Yet if you suffer this and confide in someone, you will be shocked to see how many will reveal they too have suffered it. And no wonder, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage!

What is so devastating about miscarriage is the fact that your body is supposed to keep your baby safe for 9 months. Add to the fact that most of the time there is nothing that you can do to prevent the loss from occurring...and not from lack of trying either.

My first miscarriage was shocking and so emotionally painful I wanted to die. I locked myself in my room and cried and cried. But no matter how I felt I still had other children and a husband who all still needed me. I had to find a way to begin the healing process, and this is something where you have to take all the time you need.

I found that making a memory box would help the process of healing and provide the comfort of knowing my baby would never be forgotten. I added poems, a letter, sewing items I made,  my husband put our picture on a wooden heart and sealed it, and some items I bought, including a certificate of life. Of course doing these things is heartbreaking, but it is fulfilling. I go through these things still and I always tear up. I am now working on a new memory box for this baby. So far I have made everything I have. I made my own Certificate of Life, which brings me to my next thought.

I know there are many who are going through this agony, and they may not know they can order things on line for their own memory box, or maybe they can not afford to. So I am providing you all with a FREE Certificate of Life. You can download it as many times as you like and you can share it too, and you can give it to those who would like to use it. The only thing I ask is that you do not sell it, please. I really want to DO something for others suffering, and I don't have much money so I can't
start up anything, besides there are so many organizations out there anyway. This is one of the things I can do to help.

My heart goes out to all you beautiful momma's in the world suffering from the pain of losing a baby.

Till next time!

The House

September 29, 2009. Just another day for the whole entire world, except to me and my family. It was the day that my maternal grandma died. Up until then I had never lost someone that I had been really close to and loved a lot. It felt like my heart had broken, and it took a long time to feel normal again. But it was a new kind of normal, because life never is the same again when someone who had played a big part in your life is no longer around.

When I was grieving (and you know I don't think it ever stops) I tried to give my pain a name, a meaning if you will. I thought of it as a house, a house filled with lots of items and furniture, I guess a house of memories. Some days, most days, I would "stop by" the house, open the door and go inside and touch every item, look at it, reminisce on it. These were the days when the pain was great and the sorrow so heavy that my heart ached... literally ached. Other days, I would "pass by" the house, maybe glance at it and just keep walking. Those were the days that I felt calmer and the grief was bearable.

My mom, well, she'll never be the same. She was there with her mother, along with her sisters, caring for her as she was dying. She was there when she took her last breath, she was the one who cleaned her moms lifeless body before they came to take her. After that my mom said she would never let me or my brother do that for her, because of how badly it broke her heart. But who wouldn't do this kindness for a loved one? I wouldn't want some stranger to do it, and do it coldly at that!

I felt so bad that I wasn't there for my grandma, especially since we were very close. She told me things she didn't tell the other grand kids or even my mom for that matter. I listened to her old stories and we talked about anything and everything over endless cups of coffee. Sometimes I'd spend the night over her house, me, my mom, and my first daughter (I was a teen mom). I am so grateful that at least one of my children got to know her.  I am so sad that she missed out on meeting my two newest children.

While it doesn't exactly have the same meaning anymore, I still think about the house metaphor. But I can think about my grandma and still feel happy with the memories, and laugh about some of the things she did or said. I no longer need to keep her old things, I'm good with just the most important stuff. I guess I realized I don't need to keep tons of stuff to remember her.

But most importantly I look forward to seeing her again. A friend once told me that I would probably be one of the first ones to welcome her back since I wasn't able to be with her as she was dying. I wasn't able to go to her funeral either...we couldn't afford it. I cried like a baby over that. I still cry about it now.  The brothers lovingly made it so that I was able to listen in though. I will be forever grateful for that. But how I hope I can be one of the firsts to see her again, and introduce her to her great grandchildren.

Scriptures I found comforting and still do: Matthew 19:26 -Looking at them intently, Jesus said to them: “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Luke 20:38- He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.”
Job 14:14, 15- If a man dies, can he live again? I will wait all the days of my compulsory service until my relief comes. You will call, and I will answer you. You will long for the work of your hands.

And finally: 

3 With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes,and death will be no more,neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.The former things have passed away.” 

                                                    Revelaions 21:3,4

If you have a loved one who has passed away and would like to see them again in a paradise on earth please visit: www.jw.org to learn more.